Selfishness or Self Care 2004
Selfishness and self care, where does one end and the other begin? When does taking care of ones self turn into self indulgence?. For many women the answer is simple, any form of self care is seen as selfish, wanting time out from the children, asking for help with the household chores, having dreams of pursuing a career or an interest. Women within our society are given the message that in order to be worthy of the title good mother, good partner or homemaker they need to be self sacrificing, they must put the needs of everyone else before their own. As a psychotherapist at the Napier Family Centre and Accord Counselling Centre I often see the result of this confusion between selfishness and self care. Women become burnt out, deeply sad and full of resentment. A person who constantly gives of themselves without self care can eventually become exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually, relationships with their partner and children become something that are endured rather than enjoyed, life becomes something that is survived rather than lived.
Women need to realise that taking care of themselves does not mean neglecting their family, in fact it is the very opposite. Woman who practice self care have more energy, motivation and joy of life, all of which contribute to far more richer relationships with their partner, children and friends.
What is self care?
- Women can forget to eat or even put off going to the loo until they are busting, due to being too busy taking care of every one else. Self care is to meet the body’s basic needs for sustenance and rest.
- Self care is also taking time out and doing what you enjoy; these can range from just sitting reading a magazine, having a quiet bath, going for a walk, watching Shortland Street, taking up an interest or a course to name a few.
Ways in which Women can be supported to practise self care:
- Question and change the assumptions that stay at home mothers/ home makers are not perceived as working and therefore denied the privileges of a working person e.g. respect, pay, breaks, and holidays.
- Partners take a more active role in parenting, you may be tired after a hard day at work, but remember your wife or girlfriend has had an equally hard day at home. Support each other so you can both have time out. Single parents seek help from friends, family or support agencies.
- Women become more aware of our attitudes towards other women who do take time out, statements like ” I wish I had time to sit down and read” in an accusing manner, only supports lack of self care.
- Parents need to teach their children to help out with chores and to learn the importance of self care for the whole family.
"Stretching herself too thin,
she breaks her connections
staying too busy,
she has no time
Doing for others, she neglects herself.
Defining herself through others,
she loses her own definition.
The wise woman
waters her own garden first”.
From “Tao for Women”
Sharon Lockhart
Former Psychotherapist
Napier Family Centre