Home  | Separation and Divorce Making it easier for the children 2006

Separation and Dissolution/Divorce are common events today, a sad number of relationships/marriages end in divorce. It is a traumatic and painful event for the whole family- divorce changes a family not just a couple. There are ways to help children manage this time of change and upheaval and if we take some time to think about the impact of divorce on our children we can help them to cope (even thrive) with the ‘new’ family arrangement.

 

 

1. Maintain contact and role. Children experience less trauma and stress when their world stays as much the same as possible. It is important that separating parents remain in contact with their children. There will be changes in role expectations, who will take the kids to sport, who will cook the meals, what will they cook (!). Talk to your spouse about the new roles you will take on before you talk to the children.

 

2. Who’s the boss? Children need to know that their parents are able to be the boss of the family. Children are most relaxed when they can see that parents are establishing the ‘new’ family structure, roles and rules. Rules and expectations should remain the same as before the divorce. Many parents make fewer maturity demands on their children and communicate less. Offering limited control over the child can result in behaviour or emotional (such as tantrums, ‘spoilt brat’ behaviour, anger etc) problems for the child.

 

3. Get support. Research suggests that 30% of divorcing mothers and fathers experience depression. Seek support from relatives, friends, social agencies and partners. Remember that divorcing affects family and friends as well, sometimes people you once may have turned to may feel divided and offer less support. Seek professional help for yourself and your children if it feels just ‘too hard’ or the children seem much more unhappy or angry than usual. Sometimes talking to a professional can provide enough support and advice to make a positive change for a family.

 

4. Relationship between the parents. It is clear that the more conflict there is between parents, before and after a divorce the more difficulty children have in adjusting. If the level of conflict has been, or continues to be high it is even more important to seek professional help to help establish healthier relationships between family members.

 

5. DON’T use your child as a weapon against the other parent. Be polite about the other parent, children’s feelings are mixed up enough during a separation and they can not manage your angry, sad feelings as well. This is one of the times when we have to act really grown-up. Try to resist alienating the children from the other parent.

 

6. Support your children. Post-divorce, the child is likely to need more emotional support than ever before. Behaviour problems which indicate you may need to seek further help include; academic problems, increased aggression, emotional withdrawal, prolonged regressive behaviours (such as, bedwetting, stammering, or other behaviours the child had grown out of) and increased anxiety symptoms (such as, fears, school refusal, nightmares etc).

 

The good news is that most of the emotional and behavioural effects of divorce resolve within 2 years of the divorce or separation. There has to be some benefits for children being able to live in households with happier parents and less conflict. Remember that children thrive best in homes with 2 parents that love them and where they are able to feel safe and secure.